


Umbrellas!

by Not_Your_Deers



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Everyone Is Gay, Gen, Good Brother Ben Hargreeves, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Good Brother Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Good Sister Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Sober Klaus Hargreeves, chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 6,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Your_Deers/pseuds/Not_Your_Deers
Summary: Klaus creates a Hargreeves Group Chat. It does not go as planned.aka The Chat Fic no one needs.Disclaimer: We Do Not Own The Umbrella Academy. We wish did, but we don't. If we did we would be in the Carribean on a private yatch not writing Fanfic.





	1. Five Hacks Stuff

KL4US created chat: Umbrellas!

KL4US added Dead

KL4US added KnIvEs

KL4US added Old_Man

KL4US added violins

KL4US added AlliAlli

KL4US added MoonBoi

 

KL4US - HI!!!!!

AlliAlli - Hi…. What is this???

KL4US - GROUP CHAT

AlliAlli - Did u forget how to turn caps off???

KL4US - nah

AlliAlli - Kk cool

KL4US - Bye!!!! Gtg

AlliAlli - Any1 here???

KnIvEs - Yo.

Old_Man - Hey Allison

AlliAlli - Y’all appeared suddenly.

Old_Man - Hiding from KL4US

KnIvEs - ^

AlliAlli - Ur Diego & 5 right?

KnIvEs - Yep.

Old_Man - Yes

AlliAlli - Did y’all pick ur names,,, or did Klaus???

Old_Man - Guess

AlliAlli - Klaus

violins - he let me pick

AlliAlli - Hi,,,, Van. He let me pick 2

KnIvEs - No way.

 

Old_Man changed their name to Time_Assasin

 

Time_Assasin - What name do you want Diego

KnIvEs - BaTmAn.

 

Time_Assasin changed KnIves to BaTmAn

 

BaTmAn - I’m not gonna ask how u did that.

Time_Assasin - Good choice

AlliAlli - You scare me Five….

Time_Assasin - Good

violins - he spelt assassin wrong though

Time_Assasin - Shit

 

Time_Assasin changed their name to Time_Assassin

AlliAlli - Good spot,,, Van

violins - thanks alli

Time_Assassin - Thanks Vanya

violins  - np

 

AlliAlli - Where’s Diego?????

Dead -  Training I Think

AlliAlli - Ben???

Dead - That Is My Name Yes

violins - love the caps aesthetic dude

Dead - You Too Vanya

 

KL4US - WTF u changed ur names

violins - five did yeah

KL4US - HOW?!?!

violins - we were too scared to ask

AlliAlli - ^

Dead - ^^

KL4US - PAYBACK!!!!

violins - klaus no

 

KL4US changed Time_Assassin to Small_But_Mean

KL4US changed BaTmAn to NeRd

KL4US changed AlliAlli to CuteWimp

KL4US changed Dead to Dead_Wimp

KL4US changed violins to violins-wimp

 

KL4US - Perfecto

violins-wimp - you’re a small child

Dead_Wimp - ^

CuteWimp - ^^

NeRd - ^^^

Dead_Wimp - Diego Is Back!

NeRd - Ya.

violins-wimp - hi.

CuteWimp - Thank God,,, for another normal person…

NeRd - Gotta go tho.

Dead_Wimp - Go Diego Go!

NeRd - Ugh. Bye.

 

MoonBoi - What is this?

CuteWimp - Group,,, chat

MoonBoi - Why is your name “CuteWimp”, Allison?

CuteWimp - Scroll up

MoonBoi - Really, Klaus? He’s ridiculous

KL4US - I OBJECT!

CuteWimp - No

MoonBoi - Klaus, why is my name “MoonBoi”?

KL4US - Coz u talk bout the moon all the time

MoonBoi - No I don’t.

KL4US - Yah u do

MoonBoi - I’ve got to go. We’ll discuss this later.

KL4US - *eyeroll*

 

Small_But_Mean changed NeRd to BaTmAn

Small_But_Mean changed CuteWhimp to AlliAlli

Small_But_Mean changed Dead_Whimp to Ded

Small_But_Mean changed violins-wimp to violins

 

Small_But_Mean - Now it’s perfect!

violins - why did you keep your name?

Small_But_Mean - It’s true

violins - fair enough

Ded - 1) Thanks For Switching The Names Five.

          2) Do You Two Want To Go To The Bookstore With Me?

violins - yes please ben

Small_But_Mean - Sure. Meet in 5 minutes?

Ded - Ok. See You Guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Upload is on the 26th of April!


	2. Shopping Disaster

KL4US - How the HELL does Five change this stuff?

MoonBoi - Hacking, probably.

Ded - Maybe Bribery.

BaTmAn - Threats

violins - he’s five

Small_But_Mean - Vanya is correct. I’m just that good.

KL4US - *eyeroll* I WILL find out. But for now…

 

KL4US gave Ded admin privileges

KL4US gave violins admin privileges

 

violins - thanks klaus

Ded - ^

 

MoonBoi - Family meeting in ten minutes. Please can everyone arrive on time and be sober this time?

KL4US - That was ONE time like 3 weeks ago

Small_But_Mean - I think he was talking about me

KL4US - Oh

Small_But_Mean - yeah

KL4US - Cool

AlliAlli - See you guys there….

violins - ok

 

KL4US - BORED

Small_But_Mean - Same

BaTmAn - ^

Ded - ^^

MoonBoi - Please pay attention, I’m trying to talk seriously.

KL4US - Aye aye cap’n

Ded - ^

BaTmAn - Sure

Small_But_Mean - Fine

 

violins - anyone know where diego is?

Ded - I Thought He Was With You For Training

violins - yep. he was meant to be here 20 minutes ago

KL4US - He’s with me! SORRY!!!! I took his phone!

violins - its cool. tell him i’ll see him tomorrow

KL4US - KK

KL4US - BYE

violins - bye

 

BaTmAn - I escaped!

MoonBoi - What did Klaus do this time?

BaTmAn - He took me shopping

KL4US - It was FUN!!!

BaTmAn - We got kicked out of 3 stores tho

KL4US - EXACTLY!

AlliAlli - How did that happen??????

KL4US - Diego punched a dude

BaTmAn - In my defense he was a dick

Ded - What Did Klaus Do In The Other Two Stores?

BaTmAn - I stole D’s phone. He will NOT be telling you what I did! KL4US.

violins - he tried to steal a shoe (only one) from the first store. and he climbed on a table to avoid a spider in the third - diego

KL4US - NO!!!!

 

Ded - You’re Scared Of Spiders?

KL4US - You know that JERK

Ded - Yeah But They Don’t

violins - actually….

BaTmAn - ^

AlliAlli - ^^

Small_But_Mean - ^^^

MoonBoi - I didn’t know that, Klaus.

KL4US - Ugh, BEN!

Ded - Sorry… *sad face*

KL4US - *smiley face*

Ded - *frowny face*

KL4US - *curious face*

Ded - *eyeroll*

violins - *sigh*

Ded - *sheepish grin*

KL4US - *thumbs up*

violins - *ugh face*

Small_But_Mean - *murder face*

Ded - Shit Bye

KL4US - BYE!!!


	3. The Birthday Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is still alive (barely), the Birthday Thing is discussed, and Diego is an idiot

AlliAlli - Are y’all still alive????

KL4US - Barely. He nearly caught me!

Ded - Yeah Thank God

violins - i don’t even think he came looking for me

Small_But_Mean - Yeah ‘cause I like you Vanya

KL4US - AWWW

Ded - ^

violins - are you trying to die?

KLAUS - MAYBE???

Ded - That’s A Yes

 

AlliAlli - Anyways…

Small_But_Mean - Yes?

AlliAlli - I thought we could update 5 on the birthday thing….???

Small_But_Mean - Please do

MoonBoi - Good Idea, Allison.

Ded - Yeah

BaTmAn - Definitely Yes

 

AlliAlli - Ok,,, so the B-Day thing is something Vanya made up when we were 14…

violins - because i thought it was weird to have six of us with the same birthday

Ded - So We Made Up New Ones

Small_But_Mean - What did you guys pick? And did you pick one for me?

AlliAlli - We’ll tell you what we picked in a sec,,, and we didn’t pick 4 u.

Small_But_Mean - Kk

AlliAlli - September 23 for Me…

Small_But_Mean - Let me guess you went based on the Zodiac, right?

AlliAlli - Yes

MoonBoi - February 1

Ded - November 3

violins - august 19

BaTmAn - May 31.

KL4US - June 17

Small_But_Mean - That’s it?

AlliAlli- Yes

Ded - ^

BaTmAn - ^^

violins - ^^^

KL4US - ^^^^

MoonBoi - What they said.

Small_But_Mean - Kk. I pick December 12.

AlliAlli - Yay!!! Five has a birthday….

 

Small_But_Mean - I also know whose birthday is coming up next, too.

AlliAlli - That’s,,,, me!!!

KL4US - YAY!!!!!!!

Ded - Yay!

 

violins - hey ben?

Ded - Yes Vanya?

violins - wanna practice piano with me?

Ded - Hell Yeah

 

BaTmAn - Shit I stabbed myself again.

KL4US - Good job, Batman. Need help?

BaTmAn - Nah.

Small_But_Mean - Sure?

KL4US - Aww you care!!!

Small_But_Mean - Shut up

KL4US - Fine

BaTmAn - I’m sure.

AlliAlli - Really?

BaTmAn - Yep. I’m sure.

 

MoonBoi - I leave for like an hour and Diego manages to stab himself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone's who curious as to how I picked the birthdays, it was a mixture of Zodiac stuff, what I thought they would be likely to pick, and a month I felt had the same... vibe as the character. :)


	4. Five Protection Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new chat is formed.

MirrorMirror created chat “Five_Protection_Squad”

MirrorMirror added Vanya-Violins

MirrorMirror added B3N

MirrorMirror gave Vanya-Violins admin privileges

MirrorMirror gave B3N admin privileges

 

MirrorMirror - I thought I’d use this to get all the normal siblings,,, in one chat

B3N - I’m Normal?

MirrorMirror - Compared to Klaus and Five???? Yes…

Vanya-Violins - mood

 

Vanya-Violins changed their name to vanya-violins

 

vanya-violins - no caps ftw

vanya-violins - also why is this the five protection squad?

B3N - Because Five Needs Protection

MirrorMirror - Yeah… We need to protect him. He acts fine,,, but he’s not.

vanya-violins - that’s all our siblings tho

B3N - Yeah But Five Is Smart And Stubborn And Also Tiny

vanya-violins - true

 

B3N - So What’s The Plan?

MirrorMirror - I was thinking a (surprise) theme park trip??? There’s one nearby,,,, I think...

vanya-violins - yeah there is

B3N - Cool. As Long As Klaus Is Supervised At All Times

MirrorMirror - Of course…

vanya-violins - we should avoid deaths whenever possible

B3N - ^

 

vanya-violins - also does anyone want to go shopping with me?

MirrorMirror - Where are you going???

vanya-violins - bookstore, art store, craft store, and that cute clothes store

B3N - Art Store? Sounds Fun! I’m In.

MirrorMirror - Me too!!!

 

B3N - Running Just As Fast As We Can….

vanya-violins - holding onto one another’s hands...

B3N - Trying To Get Away Into The Night And Then…

MirrorMirror - I’m so close to deleting y’all from this chat

vanya-violins - you put your arms around me (come on A)....

B3N - And Then We Tumble To The Ground And Then You Say (Come On!)...

MirrorMirror - I think we’re alone now…

vanya-violins - there doesn’t seem to be anyone around…

B3N - I Think We’re Alone Now…

vanya-violins - the beating of our hearts is the only sound….

 

MirrorMirror - I don’t know the next line.

B3N - You Confused Me Vanya.

vanya-violins - i just really like that line sorry

B3N - It’s Cool

MirrorMirror - I forgot that song was your fave, Ben

vanya-violins - same

B3N - I Thought That Was Why You All Learned It

MirrorMirror - It was,,,, we just forgot….

vanya-violins - gtg

B3N - Bye!

MirrorMirror - Bye!!!!!!!


	5. Theme Park!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya makes an announcement, Seats are chosen, and Klaus is betrayed.

KL4US - Vanya tells me there’s a SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT we need EVERYONE for. 

KL4US - Is Luther here??

MoonBoi - Yes, Hello.

KL4US - Diego?

BaTmAn - Yo.

KL4US - Allison?

AlliAlli - Of course,,, I’m making the announcement…

KL4US - KK. Five?

Small_But_Mean - Unfortunately

KL4US - Lovely. Benny?

Ded - Yes, Klaus

KL4US - Vanya??

violins - did you need to ask?

KL4US - No. ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!!!!

 

violins - so allison and i want to take you all on a family outing to...

Small_But_Mean - No. No Way. Nuh Uh.

MoonBoi - Let them finish please, Five.

AlliAlli - A theme park!!!!

KL4US - No.

Ded - I Thought You’d Be Excited

KL4US - NO.

violins - its required

AlliAlli - And Mandatory

Small_But_Mean - Those mean the same thing

violins - but are you coming?

Small_But_Mean - Of course I fucking am.

violins - yay

Ded - I’m In Too

MoonBoi - Same.

KL4US - Me Four (Get It???)

BaTmAn - Fine, I guess.

Small_But_Mean - When are we going and how are we getting there?

violins - we’re going next saturday

AlliAlli - And i bought a big,,,, fancy,,, car…

Ded - That’s Good

KL4US - Who’s gonna drive tho?

AlliAlli - Me

MoonBoi - So we’re all ready?

KL4US - Yes

Ded - ^

violins - ^^

BaTmAn - ^^^

Small_But_Mean - ^^^^

AlliAlli - ^^^^^

MoonBoi - Good.

 

KL4US - Yo!

Ded - Yo

BaTmAn - Yo.

Small_But_Mean - Hi

AlliAlli - Bonjour

MoonBoi - Hello.

violins - sup?

KL4US - Where are y’all sitting?

AlliAlli - Driver’s Seat

Small_But Mean - I call back seat

violins - i’ll sit in the middle

Ded - I’ll Sit With My Favorite Sibling

KL4US - U don’t know where i’m sitting…

Ded - I Meant Vanya

KL4US - OOOH

BaTmAn - I guess Klaus & I go backseat, and Luther gets the passenger?

KL4US - COOL

MoonBoi - That sounds good.

 

AlliAlli - Y’all should shut it. I need to focus while I drive.


	6. THE GAYS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben makes a new chat, Gayness is discussed, Five is angry, and so is Diego.

B3N created group chat “GAYS!!”

B3N added KL4US

B3N added vanvan

B3N added FakeCop

B3N added Tiny_Evil

 

B3N - Yo. Allison Said We Have To Shut Up On The Main Chat SO…..

KL4US - This chat is GREAT. <3

Tiny_Evil - Never type that again. 

KL4US - Fine. Ok.

vanvan - i didn’t know most of u were gay…. confusion

B3N - Oh Yeah Maybe Everyone Should Explain This

B3N - I Am The Gay

KL4US - I’m PANS! And genderqueer (any pronouns are cool)!

vanvan - that’s cool (do you mind if i keep using he/him, klaus?) and i’m bi

KL4US - he/him is fine, vanvan

B3N - Oh You Just Reminded Me

 

B3N gave vanvan admin privileges

 

FakeCop - Hey WTF is this?

KL4US - Gays.

vanvan - are u diego, @fakecop?

FakeCop - Yes. 

vanvan - cool

FakeCop - I’m Bi, which I’m assuming is why I’m here.

B3N - Yep. 

vanvan - bi high five

FakeCop - *high five*

vanvan - *high five*

 

KL4US - What about U, @Tiny_Evil?? 

Tiny_Evil - Huh?

B3N - He Fell Asleep.

KL4US - Kk. I was asking ur reason 4 being here, 5.

Tiny_Evil - I’m demi/pan

Tiny_Evil - And it’s kind of funny the only straight people are in the front two seats

FakeCop - Agreed.

KL4US - Forget that! PAN HIGH FIVE!!!!

Tiny_Evil - No. *raises eyebrows*

B3N - He’s Laughing Right Now.

Tiny_Evil - Liar

FakeCop - No but u are.

KL4US - *puppy dog eyes*

Tiny_Evil - *shakes head* *sighs* *high five*

KL4US - *HIGH FIVE*

B3N - *ACCIDENTALLY SLAPS FIVE IN THE FACE FROM EXCITEMENT*

vanvan - mood

FakeCop - ^

 

FakeCop - Klaus you just kicked me again.

KL4US - SORRY!

vanvan - it's so calm here

B3N - Yeah Y’all Have No Chill

Tiny_Evil - @vanvan, @B3N, how do you think I feel?

vanvan - angry?

B3N - vengeful?

Tiny_Evil - Do you think I only have two emotions?

vanvan - yes,...?

Tiny_Evil - I would punch but you’re too far away and i’d just prove ur point.

FakeCop - Mood.

FakeCop - Also I just realise it was Five who was kicking me the whole time.

Tiny_Evil - Oops

KL4US - YAY!

 

Tiny_Evil changed KL4US to STOP_YELLING

 

STOP_YELLING - Okay.

Tiny_Evil - Thank you.

vanvan - i left for like one minute

 

vanvan changed STOP_YELLING to G4Y

 

G4Y - HELL YEAH

G4Y - oops i said i wouldn’t yell

FakeCop - I’m both annoyed and glad I took the middle seat right now.

B3N - Why??

FakeCop - 5 tried to slap Klaus but couldn’t reach. So I’m glad no one died, but also I  hate the middle seat.

B3N - Thank God For Vanya

vanvan - thanks ben

Tiny_Evil - Y’all abandoned me. 

B3N - Who’s Y’all?

Tiny_Evil - @B3N and @vanvan. We’re the smart ones!

vanvan - you’re not acting very smart

B3N - Or Responsible

vanvan - or normal

B3N - Or Nice

Tiny_Evil - You’re not going to be acting very alive if you keep that up.

G4Y - That wasn’t very nice.

FakeCop - Next time we stop Ben is taking this seat.

B3N - Fine

 

G4Y - yay food

FakeCop - yay space

Tiny_Evil - yay coffee

vanvan - yay being almost there

 

Tiny_Evil changed “GAYS!!” to “YAYS!!”

 

Tiny_Evil - That’s better

FakeCop - @Tiny_Evil please make me admin.

Tiny_Evil - Sure

 

Tiny_Evil gave FakeCop admin privileges

B3N removed FakeCop’s admin privileges

Tiny_Evil gave FakeCop admin privileges

B3N removed FakeCop’s admin privileges

vanvan gave FakeCop admin privileges

 

vanvan - we’re here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so w/ Klaus, I included what I remembered Robert Sheehan said his gender identity & sexuality were, but I can't find where he said that, so if I got it wrong please let me know! :)


	7. LIAR!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at the theme park, something's up with Klaus, and Vanya is a good sister.

MirrorMirror - Who gets to look after which crazy sibling???

vanya-violins - i’ll take five. say i’m his older sister.

MirrorMirror - I figured,,, I’ll take Luther, right??

B3N - Good Idea!

vanya-violins - and you take klaus, ben?

B3N - Sure

vanya-violins - cool. meet for lunch at like 1?

MirrorMirror - Sounds good…

vanya-violins - what about diego tho?

B3N - He’ll Be Fine

B3N - Probably

 

~~~

 

KL4US - How are y’all so far??

BaTmAn - Good.

violins - i’ve been on like 3 rides.

KL4US - Why JUST 3?

violins - i just don’t like rollercoasters

AlliAlli - Fair enough.

Ded - Tell Them What You Did Klaus.

KL4US - I didn’t do anything!!!

BaTmAn - Oh really?

violins - what did you do klaus??

Ded - He Got Kicked Out Of One Of The Stores.

AlliAlli - Oh god no.

violins - seriously?

Ded - Yeah.

BaTmAn - The Fuck Klaus?

KL4US - It’s nothing.

AlliAlli - Liar,,,

KL4US - Where’s five?

violins - 1) on a ride 2) you’re avoiding

KL4US - No I’m Not.

AlliAlli - LIAR!

violins - liar

BaTmAn - LiAr

 

~~~

 

B3N - Hey Guys

MirrorMirror - Yeah?

B3N - I’m Not Sure If We Should Keep Pushing Klaus.

vanya-violins - why?

B3N - He Looks Like He’s About To Cry

MirrorMirror - Shit

vanya-violins - what do we do?

MirrorMirror - I vote we keep pushing. We need to know what’s up.

vanya-violins - we need to know but maybe i should message him privately

B3N - That Sounds Like A Good Idea Vanya.

MirrorMirror - Kk

vanya-violins - bye

 

~~~

 

Vanya - hey klaus

Klaus - Hey??

Vanya - tell me what’s up

Klaus - It’s nothing.

Vanya - you’re lying

Klaus - NOT

Vanya - ya you are

Klaus - Fine

Vanya - go on

Klaus - I got kicked out because I was looking at skirts

Vanya - shit klaus that’s rough

Klaus - No it’s not that that happens all the time

Vanya - what is it?

Klaus - There was a little kid in there, a boy, who was wearing a tiara and took it off as they kicked me out. I feel like I might have hurt him.

Vanya - oh klaus, i promise he’ll be fine

Vanya - try to go back to having fun

Klaus - I’ll try


	8. Klaus Protection Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chat name changes, Diego reappears, and he is also very slow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *You guys have been great, so I wanted to post an extra chapter*

B3N - Hey I Need Your Help Again

vanya-violins - gimme a second

 

vanya-violins changed “Five_Protection_Squad” to “klaus_protection_squad”

 

vanya-violins - kk what were u saying??

B3N - I’ve Been Going On This One Rollercoaster I Like Over And Over Again, And Klaus 

HATES It

vanya-violins - which ride? five and i will come over

B3N - Oblivion

vanya-violins - cool

 

~~~

 

Small_But_Mean - This ride is crazy! I can’t believe you don’t want to ride, Vanya!

violins - i’m good thanks

AlliAlli - What ride is it????

Small_But_Mean - nvm

KL4US - OBLIVION (that’s the ride btw)

AlliAlli - Thanks Klaus!!!!

Small_But_Mean - wtf klaus?!?!

Ded - ^

KL4US - What did I do???

violins - i don’t think they want to hang out w/ allison and luther

KL4US - OOOh

Small_But_Mean - No apology?

KL4US - Oh yeah sorry

Ded - *Shakes Head*

violins - ^

AlliAlli - ^^

 

AlliAlli - Guys??

Small_But_Mean - Yes?

BaTmAn - Yo.

Small_But_Mean - Where have you been Diego??

BaTmAn - Actually enjoying myself unlike u idiots.

KL4US - How DARE you!!!

violins - seriously klaus?

KL4US - Yes

Small_But_Mean - Please Stop.

AlliAlli - Can we,,, come back to what I was saying please??

BaTmAn - Sure.

AlliAlli - Get back to the car within 20 minutes,,,, we’re leaving.

Small_But_Mean - Ok

 

violins - just waiting for u, diego

BaTmAn - She said 20 minutes not 2 wtf

AlliAlli - ^

Small_But_Mean - I can teleport, remember?

BaTmAn - Was talking about Klaus and Ben tho. 

Small_But_Mean - How did u get here that fast? @Ded, @KL4US?

KL4US - it's a secret

Ded - Yes

violins - y no caps klaus?

KL4US - it's a secret so i'm whispering


	9. Klaus???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus goes missing, and Five freaks out.

Small_But_Mean - Klaus?

Small_But_Mean - Klaus?????

Small_But_Mean - Where the fuck is Klaus?

violins - idk why

Small_But_Mean - He’s missing

BaTmAn - So???????? He’ll be fine

Small_But_Mean - Are You Sure Tho?!?!?!

 

\---

 

B3N - Do You Really Not Know Where He Is, Diego?

BaTmAn - No, why????? He does this all the time,,,, you don’t need to worry

B3N - It’s Not Klaus I’m Worried About

BaTmAn - ????

B3N - Five Is Freaking Out

BaTmAn - Oh yeah. You calm him down, I’ll take Vanya and look for Klaus?

B3N - Yeah

B3N - I’ll Make Another New Chat So We Can Talk

 

\---

B3N created chat “ **Emergency Team** ”

B3N added vanya-violins

B3N added BaTmAn

 

B3N - So Five Has Calmed Down

vanya-violins - thank god i was worried

B3N - Any Luck With Klaus??

BaTmAn - none at all,,,,, i’m actually kinda worried

B3N - Did You Try The Donut Place?

BaTmAn - That was the first place I looked!!!

B3N - RELAX I’M JUST AS WORRIED AS YOU ARE!

BaTmAn - ok i’m gonna try his old apartment

 

B3N added Small_But_Mean

 

Small_But_Mean - I can help. I’ll check the store. He goes there sometimes.

vanya-violins - cool. can i add my friend? she wants to help.

B3N - The More Help, The Better

 

vanya-violins added elizared

 

elizared - hey so where should i go next????

BaTmAn - Bus Stop downtown

elizared - that one by the police station?

BaTmAn - Yeah

elizared - got it thanks!

 

Small_But_Mean - He just texted me!!!!!

vanya-violins - did he tell you where he is?

Small_But_Mean - Yeah heading there now

B3N - Good Luck! And Please Be Nice

Small_But_Mean - i will be don’t worry

 

\---

 

FIVEY - hey? why aren’t you answering me?

KL4US - sorry, i just…. i’m not feeling great

FIVEY - can i help?

KL4US - just sit with me?

FIVEY - of course

 

\---

 

Small_But_Mean - We’re on our way back!

BaTmAn - Is he OK?

Small_But_Mean - No but I think he will be

B3N - Is There Anything You Think We Can Do??

Small_But_Mean - Family movie night, maybe?

vanya-violins - its three am

B3N - So?

vanya-violins - fair enough

elizared - what are you gonna watch?

BaTmAn - Love Simon, probs

elizared - cool

B3N - You Can Come If You Want

elizared - oh thanks

vanya-violins - i’ll pick you up

elizared - cool thank u van

 

\---

 

KL4US - Thank you guys


	10. Goldfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus is weird, Diego starts a fight, and then he wins a bet.

Ded changed their name to B3N

violins changed their name to vanya-violins 

 

KL4US - I love Goldfish

BaTmAn - *shaking my head*

B3N - Really Klaus??

KL4US - What? They’re Good!

B3N - yeah but still

BaTmAn - How about you eat some real food???

KL4US - I’m good

B3N - Dumbass

KL4US - Love u too Benny

BaTmAn - You two are ridiculous children

B3N - You Know You Love Us

KL4US - Yeah come on Diego!

BaTmAn - ugh fine

 

BaTmAn - i have a random question

vanya-violins - i legit thought this was klaus for a second

BaTmAn - Nah I’ve descended into madness too now

KL4US - 1) I’m OFFENDED 2) What’s the question?

BaTmAn - What’s everyone’s favorite ice cream flavor?

MoonBoi - Vanilla is clearly the best choice.

AlliAlli - No????? Coffee???

Small_But_Mean - ewww

AlliAlli - But you like coffee?????????????

vanya-violins - i agree with luther, alli. vanilla is the best.

MoonBoi - See?

Small_But_Mean - I’m so done with all of you. Pistachio is obviously superior

KL4US - EWWW? Pistachio?!?! No!

B3N - ^

Small_But_Mean - No comment

vanya-violins - or you could go with vanilla

KL4US - Sorry Van, but NO.

B3N - ^ Mint Choc Chip FTW

KL4US - NO????? Brownie & Cookie Dough???

 

BaTmAn - Thanks I just gained $15

vanya-violins - ???

BaTmAn - My friend bet you’d be normal. They don’t know us very well.

MoonBoi - That’s…

B3N - Rude???

MoonBoi - I was going to say funny.

KL4US - Really?

MoonBoi - Yes.

BaTmAn - Damn Luther thanks. Want ice cream?

MoonBoi - Is it Vanilla?

BaTmAn - Neapolitan. Three flavors in one!

KL4US - Can I have some????

BaTmAn - if you agree not to argue with each other, y’all can

B3N - Hell Yeah

Small_But_Mean - Diego is now my favorite

vanya-violins - ^

B3N - ^^

AlliAlli - ^^^

MoonBoi - ^^^^

KL4US - ^^^^^

BaTmAn - ^^^^^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late, guys! I got distracted by all the new Pokemon stuff. :)


	11. Murder or Dating Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya has a date (she's very nervous), and Five is the only one with a fashion sense.

vanya-violins created chat “ **HELP ME!!!!** ”

vanya-violins added B3N, AlliAlli and KL4US

 

vanya-violins - i need help

AlliAlli - You only ever come to me for two things. So do you need murder, or dating advice?

vanya-violins - definitely dating advice maybe murder

KL4US - OOOH Who’s the lucky person?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!??!?

vanya-violins - do you remember elizabeth?

KL4US - NO

B3N - The Girl From The Other Day, Right? 

vanya-violins - yeah

KL4US - the other day?

AlliAlli - ^

vanya-violins - nvm

 

B3N - So, Advice?

vanya-violins - how do i act? what do i wear? how do i not ruin everything?

AlliAlli - Well where are you going?

vanya-violins - the coffee shop by the bookstore

AlliAlli - so informal?

vanya-violins - yeah

 

B3N - Well, Firstly, You’ll be Fine, Don’t Freak Out

vanya-violins - but she’s so cute

AlliAlli - RELAX

vanya-violins - fine

 

AlliAlli - Second; act like you normally do

vanya-violins - but why??? i suck

KL4US - No you don’t!!!!!

vanya-violins - right….

B3N - He’s Not Lying Van. If She Didn’t Like You, Why Would She Agree To A Date????

vanya-violins - well she’s the one who asked me

AlliAlli - you just proved his point sis

 

KL4US - MOVING ON

KL4US - CLOTHES

vanya-violins - i’m not sure i trust you guys for this, actually. i’ll figure it out on my own.

AlliAlli - Why????

vanya-violins - you and klaus are both very… loud

KL4US - fair enough, i guess

B3N - I Know Who Can Help

 

B3N added Small_But_Mean

 

Small_But_Mean - Ben tells me fashion advice is needed??

vanya-violins - yeah i’m going on a date help

Small_But_Mean - send me photo options

B3N - Send Them On Here. I Can Help

AlliAlli - and we wanna see too

KL4US - ^

 

vanya-violins - option one: dress.png

vanya-violins - option two: blue.png

vanya-violins - option three: black.png

B3N - I Like The Blue One

Small_But_Mean - I think the black shirt is better.

AlliAlli - Definitely not the dress. Maybe the Black?

KL4US - Blue Shirt?

vanya-violins - so its split half and half?

KL4US - Yeah

Small_But_Mean - Which is more comfortable?

vanya-violins - black

AlliAlli - Go with that then

Small_But_Mean - ^

B3N - ^^

 

vanya-violins - wish me luck

Small_But_Mean - Good luck!

AlliAlli - ^

B3N - You’ll Do Great

KL4US - Have fun, Van


	12. elizared joins the chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya has some good news, Beth gets added, and everyone loves her.

vanya-violins - life is great

MoonBoi - What happened, Vanya?

AlliAlli - It went well????

vanya-violins - yeah it went well

vanya-violins - and i went on a date, luther

MoonBoi - That’s Great.

B3N - ^

KL4US - ^^

Small_But_Mean - A miracle. Klaus agreed with Luther!

KL4US - Really 5?

Small_But_Mean - yes, really.

 

vanya-violins - back to me, please? i have even more news

B3N - Oooh

BaTmAn - Good news?

KL4US - obviously

vanya-violins - i also have a girlfriend now

AlliAlli - Go Vanya!

MoonBoi - You went on a date with a girl, and now you have a girlfriend?

vanya-violins - yeah

BaTmAn - Do you have a problem with that, Luther?

MoonBoi - Not at all. Congratulations, Vanya.

B3N - You’re Doing Better Than The Rest Of Us.

 

Small_But_Mean - You should add her.

KL4US - I’ll do it.

vanya-violins - you don’t have her number??? the chat closed???

KL4US - I had a feeling she was gonna be important

 

KL4US added elizared

 

elizared - so this is the infamous group chat?

vanya-violins - yeah hi liza

MoonBoi - Hello.

B3N - Do You Go By Elizabeth Or Eliza, Or….?

elizared - beth, actually.

B3N - Cool

KL4US - Why’s your username Eliza, then?

vanya-violins - elizared sounds kinda like elizabeth

elizared - also van calls me eliza (or liza sometimes)

vanya-violins - that too

 

elizared - so van has practice and i’m lonely. anyone want free lunch?

KL4US - OOOh always.

elizared - meet me at that pizza place by the academy?

KL4US - Sure

 

KL4US - Thanks for lunch

elizared - no problem

vanya-violins - eww cute

elizared - really????

AlliAlli - She does this.

elizared - i know it’s weird

 

BaTmAn - So @elizared?

elizared - yeah

BaTmAn - how do you feel about vanya’s powers and stuff???

AlliAlli - People don’t tend to like them.

KL4US - I’m surprised she even told you!

elizared - well if you’ll let me answer….

BaTmAn - sorry about them….

elizared - it’s fine. and i don’t really mind her powers. they’re kind of cool.

vanya-violins - thanks

 

Small_But_Mean - I like her

elizared - thanks

B3N - Wrong Chat, Five

Small_But_Mean - Oops sorry Beth

elizared - np i’m glad you like me. van said you wouldn’t.

BaTmAn - Really? Who did she think would?

elizared - um.... klaus, ben, and allison

elizared - and she figured five, luther, and diego wouldn’t like me.

Small_But_Mean - You’re essentially my favorite sibling and we’re not even related

BaTmAn - ^

 

elizared - technically aren’t you all adopted????

B3N - Yeah, But Other Than 5 And Me, They All Grew Up Together

elizared - oh yeah

 

vanya-violins - you weren’t supposed to tell them, liza

elizared - yeah but i did

KL4US - ok you’re definitely my favorite person

elizared - ha they all love me more

vanya-violins - i hate you sometimes

elizared - love you too x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW Beth's full name is Elizabeth Redgate (last name stolen from Riley Redgate, author of Seven Ways We Lie).
> 
> Also what chat Five meant to post that comment to is up to you - it might even be one you haven't seen yet ;)


	13. That Was A Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya freaks out, and so do her siblings, while Beth feels awkward.

vanya-violins - oh god help

Small_But_Mean - ???

B3N - Check The Main Chat

Small_But_Mean - oh shit

AlliAlli - dear lord what do we do

vanya-violins - you’re supposed to be helping me?!?!

AlliAlli - The only person who ever said they loved me did it because i made them. I can’t help!!!

KL4US - Maybe….?

B3N - Maybe….?

Small_But_Mean - Definitely

 

Small_But_Mean added BaTmAn

 

BaTmAn - SHit that was a thing

KL4US - HELP you actually understand relationships

BaTmAn - 1) you’re probably better at this than me, Klaus. 2) Don’t worry, she probably didn’t mean it like that.

vanya-violins - ok thanks diego. i’m just gonna avoid her for a bit till i calm down

B3N - Good Idea

Small_But_Mean - ^

\---

elizared - diego?

BaTmAn - yeah?

elizared - i made her freak didn’t i????

BaTmAn - A bit

elizared - oops

BaTmAn - she’s fine now tho

elizared - thank god

 

BaTmAn - You meant it, didn’t you? You pulled a Miranda?

elizared - yes, and yes (also that’s a really random reference and i love it)

BaTmAn - well i told her you didn’t, so you gotta pretend

elizared - ok

BaTmAn - sorry, but…

elizared - no i understand. after harold/leonard….

BaTmAn - she….

elizared - yeah

BaTmAn - yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly - Sorry for another late update! Didn't have access to my laptop for the last couple of days. I'll try to be more regular in the future.
> 
> Secondly - I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter (it was based of real life events, which makes it feel a little awkward, I think), so I'd love to hear from you guys about it! 
> 
> *Also, the Miranda thing is a bit of an obscure reference, to a British comedy show called Miranda, where the main character does the same thing Beth does in this chapter. Idk where Diego (or Beth) has seen that show, but you know....*


	14. A wild LUTHER appears!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luther is a pokemon now, Vanya & Beth have a concert, and the brothers spar.

MoonBoi - Good Morning!

KL4US - A wild Luther appeared

MoonBoi - Did Ben really just throw a Pokeball at me?

B3N - Yep

MoonBoi - Why?

KL4US - That’s what you do with wild Pokemon

B3N - ^

MoonBoi - You two are ridiculous sometimes.

KL4US - How dare you?

B3N - We’re Ridiculous ALL Of The Times.

MoonBoi - I suppose.

 

vanya-violins - so just to check, none of y’all can make it to the concert?

KL4US - No, Sorry Van!

B3N - ^

AlliAlli - ^^

Small_But_Mean - We’re still gonna do family dinner after though, right?

MoonBoi - Yes. And, actually, my plans were cancelled, so I can come.

BaTmAn - Me too

elizared - can one of you drive me and van then?

BaTmAn - Sure I’ll drive all of you

vanya-violins - thanks

 

AlliAlli - How did it go?

elizared - not as well as we hoped

vanya-violins - yeah, it kind of sucked, i think

MoonBoi - I thought you were both really good. I liked your solo, Beth. 

vanya-violins - yeah i wish i could be half that good x

elizared - thanks x

 

B3N - What Do You Actually Play, Beth? I Just Realised I Don’t Know.

elizared - oboe

B3N - Cool. I Play Piano.

elizared - we should play together some time

B3N - Definitely

 

BaTmAn - Luther? Five?

MoonBoi - Yes?

Small_But_Mean - ya?

BaTmAn - Wanna spar for old times sake?

Small_But_Mean - you know i’ll win right?

MoonBoi - Definitely. But it’s still fun to practice.

BaTmAn - See you both in 10?

Small_But_Mean - ofc

MoonBoi - ^

 

Small_But_Mean - damn luther is slow

KL4US - ikr???

BaTmAn - ^

MoonBoi - I know. Want to practice again tomorrow, help me get faster?

BaTmAn - Always bro.

MoonBoi - Cool


	15. ewww books....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison watched ET, Beth makes fun of Diego (he's being an idiot), and Klaus REALLY needs to get a job.

AlliAlli - Greetings humans

BaTmAn - ???

MoonBoi - We watched ET yesterday.

AlliAlli - ET Phone Home

BaTmAn - I hate you all goodbye.

elizared - what about me???

BaTmAn - Except you

KL4US - What about me?!?!?

BaTmAn - oh no i definitely do hate you. Wanna grab coffee eliza?

elizared - always diego

\---

BaTmAn - Why are you pulling that face at me??

elizared - the barista

BaTmAn - She’s new. It’s weird.

elizared - blatant lies

BaTmAn - No it’s not.

elizared - lies

BaTmAn - No

elizared - lies

BaTmAn - Fine she’s cute.

elizared - told you

BaTmAn - you suck

elizared - give her your number

BaTmAn - no

\---

elizared - we’re back

BaTmAn - that we are

MoonBoi - Hello!

AlliAlli - hey guys

KL4US - i’m bored

B3N - Get A Job

KL4US - Nooooo

B3N - Do It

elizared - i know a bookstore which has an open position

KL4US - EW books

Small_But_Mean - @B3N can I kill him?

B3N - Go Ahead

KL4US - Bye y’all


	16. $$$

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family make birthday plans, and Allison is excited.

MoonBoi removed AlliAlli

 

MoonBoi - We need birthday plans

Small_But_Mean - I know. I have a present idea but its $$$

BaTmAn - I have $$$

vanya-violins - as do i

elizared - ^^

MoonBoi - You don’t need to pay, Beth.

elizared - but i want to.

MoonBoi - Alright.

elizared - :)

 

MoonBoi - So what was your idea, Five?

Small_But_Mean - Makeup from this fancy place called Merle Norman.

KL4US - That’s expensive

B3N - Better Get A Job Then

KL4US - Nah I’m good i have some money

Small_But_Mean - I figured we’d by maybe 7 or 8 things between us.

elizared - sounds good

Small_But_Mean - do u want to pick or should I just do it?

vanya-violins - you pick

MoonBoi - That’s probably the best plan.

 

Small_But_Mean - Ok so it’s $197

vanya-violins - i’ll bring you the money from everyone

Small_But_Mean - Thanks van.

 

MoonBoi deleted the last 22 messages

MoonBoi added AlliAlli

 

AlliAlli - birthday stuff?

Small_But_Mean - yeah

AlliAlli - what did you buy me?

KL4US - it’s a secret

AlliAlli - Only a week till my birthday, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I literally know nothing about makeup at all and I also suck at giving gifts, so sorry if this chapter is a little clunky. (You can thank the Gryffindor for that though. She told me what to "buy" for Allison)*


	17. Happy Birthday, Allison!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Allison's Birthday!!! YAY!

MoonBoi - Happy Birthday, Allison!!

vanya-violins - happy birthday

elizared - i hope you have a great day :)

BaTmAn - Happy B-Day

Small_But_Mean - Enjoy your present!

KL4US - We love you Alli!

 

AlliAlli - Wow you guys are so sweet,,, thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!

KL4US - <3

AlliAlli - <3

Small_But_Mean - Your gift is on the kitchen counter.

AlliAlli - Thanks!!!

 

AlliAlli - OMFG this is perfect!!!!!!!

MoonBoi - I’m glad you liked it.

elizared - ^

vanya-violins - ^^

Small_But_Mean - Like you even know what I actually picked….

AlliAlli - this was you?? thanks five

 

KL4US - fyi alli i’m stealing your makeup and this skirt i found

AlliAlli - you can’t take all the makeup. Also which skirt???

KL4US - Blue one.

AlliAlli - I hate that one you can keep it!

KL4US - Thanks!

 

B3N - So sweet

elizared - ^

BaTmAn - it’s gross

MoonBoi - I heard you say “Awww”, Diego

BaTmAn - Betrayed by my own brother!!!!

 

KL4US - MOVIE TIME

KL4US - MOVIE TIME

KL4US - M

KL4US - O

vanya-violins - stop we’re here let’s go

elizared - i’m so excited this movie is supposed to be great

B3N - The Art Style Is Incredible In The Trailers

 

MoonBoi - Good movie choice, Allison.

AlliAlli - Thanks Luther. And thanks everyone for an amazing day. Night!

 

BaTmAn - Night

elizared - night

B3N - bye

KL4US - Good night

vanya-violins - night

MoonBoi - Good night everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses what movie they watched?


	18. unknown created chat: unnamed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the siblings has a terrible, terrible idea, but it's too late to stop them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Back!!!!

unknown created chat: unnamed

unknown added 10, 11, 22, 31, 32, 42, 43, elizared

 

unknown changed their name to StoleOurBirthCertificates

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 22 to Spent10MonthsInVietnam

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 32 to ShotThePresident

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 43 to KilledTheNannies

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 11 to TurnedOffMom

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 10 to ToreFive’sBooks

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed 42 to BurnedFive’sBooks

 

StoleOurBirthCertificates - These names are the worst things you’ve ever done. Only the Hargreeves Siblings are in this chat (and Eliza to keep the peace). Have fun!

 

ShotThePresident - @ToreFive’sBooks and @BurnedFive’sBooks better fucking run.

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - FIVE guesses who this guy is…

StoleOurBirthCertificates - Really, Five? Not even playing my game.

ShotThePresident - No, I’m not. 

ToreFive’sBooks - The real question is which one?

BurnedFive’sBooks - Lincoln? Kennedy? Garfield? McKinley?

KilledTheNannies - Maybe it’s one of the “natural causes” ones.

ToreFive’sBooks - If it’s Lincoln, you’re the one who needs to run, Five. 

ShotThePresident - It wasn’t!

ShotThePresident - It was Kennedy!

 

ShotThePresident’s name changed to MarriedAMannequin

 

MarriedAMannequin - I hate you. 

 

MarriedAMannequin left the chat

StoleOurBirthCertificates added MarriedAMannequin to the chat. 

MarriedAMannequin can no longer exit the chat. 

 

ToreFive’sBooks - So, we’ve got two more murderers in the chat.

ShotThePresident - Four. You two murdered my books.

KilledTheNannies - Five actually. @Spent10MonthsInVietnam probably killed some people. 

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Not intentionally!

KilledTheNannies - I didn’t kill them intentionally either!

StoleOurBirthCertificates - Actually…

KilledTheNannies - What?

StoleOurBirthCertificates - You really hated oatmeal, apparently. 

KilledTheNannies - It /is/ disgusting. But I can’t believe I killed people over it…

MarriedAMannequin - So we know who @KilledTheNannies is, and honestly I’m not surprised. 

BurnedFive’sBooks - Oh yeah! Only one of our siblings hates oatmeal!

ToreFive’sBooks - Vanya?

 

KilledTheNannies’ name changed to DatedAPsycho

 

DatedAPsycho - I promise I’ll never do something like that again! 

MarriedAMannequin - We know, Vanya. We don’t blame you. 

MarriedAMannequin - @ToreFive’sBooks, @BurnedFive’sBooks on the other hand…

 

ToreFive’sBooks - Since you’ll murder everyone if I don’t tell you, I’m Luther.

ToreFive’sBooks - I was going through Five’s books looking for something about astronomy, and accidentally ripped a couple of them.

ToreFive’sBooks - I really didn’t mean it, though. 

ToreFive’sBooks - And I took them to Ben to get them fixed….

ToreFive’sBooks - Wait a minute! They went suddenly missing after that.

  
ToreFive’sBooks’ name changed to MonkeyMan

BurnedFive’sBooks’ name changed to Died

 

MarriedAMannequin - I don’t blame you that much. But Ben, I have to ask: why, and how many?

Died - 1) You were incredibly rude to me (this was just after that fight, remember)

MarriedAMannequin - Fair point. I’d forgotten about that. 

Died - 2) Out of the four he brought me, I burned three. I still have the fourth one. 

MarriedAMannequin - Sure thing. 

 

DatedAPsycho - Why was an accident which happened to a book Luther’s worst thing?

StoleOurBirthCertificates - It was the worst thing none of you knew about, and he doesn’t do a lot of bad things.

elizared - Did he really have the opportunity to, though, being stuck on the moon?

MonkeyMan - Actually, yes, I did. And please change my name.

elizared - @StoleOurBirthCertificates?

 

StoleOurBirthCertificates changed MonkeyMan’s name to MoonBoi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm super excited to be back to work on this fic (and on the day after Alli's birthday!), and I've got a ton of inspiration! Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter. Here's some stuff for reference/clarification:  
> 1) Vanya, Luther, Ben, and Five were revealed  
> 2) Diego, Allison, and Klaus remain (and are going to have some drama....)  
> 3) Vanya's and Five's were both canon events, while I made up Luther and Ben's.
> 
> Next chapter should be up by Friday at the latest!
> 
> (PS Any guesses how we chose the original names like 10, 11, and 22?)


	19. What I Do Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The secret can't stay hidden any longer. No matter how much his brothers want him to keep it.

elizared - Wait a second does @Spent10MonthsInVietnam mean the Vietnam War?

MarriedAMannequin - No, I’m the only time traveller in the family.

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Actually…

MarriedAMannequin - I. Am. The. Only. Time. Traveller. In. The. Family.

Died - Oh no, Five’s getting mad.

MarriedAMannequin - I can revoke my pardon, you know. 

Died - Bet. 

 

MoonBoi - Why did I just hear screaming?

Died - Sorry!

MoonBoi - It didn’t sound like you, Ben. 

Died - Who said it was me?

MarriedAMannequin - I. Will. End. You. 

Died - No you won’t.

DatedAPsycho - No, he won’t.

MarriedAMannequin - Sorry Vanya. 

 

elizared - Back to the topic at hand, please. 

MarriedAMannequin - @Spent10MonthsInVietnam must have just run off to Vietnam some time. It’s probably Diego - sounds like something he would do. 

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Five…

MarriedAMannequin - Yes?

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Stop. 

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Your powers aren’t the only way to time travel. And, it’s about time I told everyone. 

MarriedAMannequin - Go on then. Tell us how you did it. 

 

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - I did what I do best. 

Died - Stall for time?

StoleOurBirthCertificates - Make bad puns?

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - I mean, @Died isn’t wrong, but I was referring to theft. 

 

MoonBoi - And you stole what exactly?

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - A briefcase. 

StoleOurBirthCertificates - And that allowed you to travel to the Vietnam War how?

MarriedAMannequin - Where did you steal it from?

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - Hazel and Cha-Cha.

Spent10MonthsInVietnam - After they tortured me. 

 

Spent10MonthsInVietnam’s name changed to SeesDeadPeople

 

DatedAPsycho - Why didn’t you tell us?

MoonBoi - ^

StoleOurBirthCertificates - ^^

elizared - ^^^

TurnedOffMom - ^^^^

\---

BaTmAn - klaus what the hell?!?!

BaTmAn - the dog tags, the picture, the bar, the sobriety, it was all because of this, wasn’t it??!!?!

 

BaTmAn - please tell me what happened

BaTmAn - did someone get hurt? did you lose someone?

KL4US - yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for being gone so long, and I loved this chapter, so I posted another one! (I also updated the tags, because it's been a while)
> 
> Only two (Diego and Allison) left to be revealed... 
> 
> And then something less angsty!


	20. it was for the best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some speculation happens, and a painful secret is brought to light.

MoonBoi - I forgot @TurnedOffMom was here. That must be Allison. 

SeesDeadPeople - Why’d you think that?

DatedAPsycho - There are only two of us left: Allison, and Diego. 

DatedAPsycho - Diego would never hurt Mom. 

elizared - But would Allison be quite that protective of Klaus? They’re close, but I didn’t think they were that close. 

MoonBoi - Diego would never hurt Mom. 

SeesDeadPeople - I also said he’d never forgive Vanya, and that happened, though. 

DatedAPsycho - This is different, though. 

elizared - Relationships like that are something special. I would rather die than kill my own mother. 

DatedAPsycho - Exactly, Eliza.

SeesDeadPeople - But would Allison hurt her?

MoonBoi - She was with me about shutting her down.

elizared - I don’t think we’re going to come to a conclusion, are we?

 

MarriedAMannequin - You’re all missing the obvious. 

MoonBoi - Which is, Five?

MarriedAMannequin - Diego loves Mom more than anything. 

DatedAPsycho - We know, Five.

MarriedAMannequin - He would never do anything to hurt her. 

MoonBoi - We know. You’re restating what we’ve already said. 

SeesDeadPeople - Oh my God, Fivey. 

DatedAPsycho - What, Klaus?

SeesDeadPeople - Diego would never do anything that would harm Mom. He’ll do anything to keep her happy and do what’s best for her. 

elizared - Oh. 

MoonBoi - I’m still confused. 

elizared - Let me get Pogo, he’ll be able to help explain I think. 

MarriedAMannequin - Good idea, Beth. 

 

elizared added Pogo to the chat

 

Pogo - Yes, Miss Beth?

elizared - Five, you should do it. 

MarriedAMannequin - Pogo, was anything unusual about Mom before she shut down?

Pogo - Yes, Mr Five. Her programming struggled with the loss of Sir Hargreeves. 

MarriedAMannequin - What behaviours did this “struggle” cause?

Pogo - Grace lost focus, became unable to keep track of time or store memories, and began to degrade into her original, less human, mannerisms.

elizared - Thank you, Pogo. 

 

elizared removed Pogo from the chat

 

SeesDeadPeople - Understand yet?

DatedAPsycho - Yes.

MoonBoi - Not entirely, no. 

 

TurnedOffMom - I’ll explain why I did what I did. No point hiding now. 

TurnedOffMom - As Pogo said, I could see Mom was struggling, forgetting about Reginald’s death, and often zoning out or losing track of things completely. 

TurnedOffMom - Then, when I went to go see her, she was stitching, straight through her arm, drawing this design of an exploding planet. I knew she wasn’t… right. 

TurnedOffMom - So, I shut her down. I didn’t want to. I cried the whole time, barely even managed to do it.  But it was for the best. 

TurnedOffMom - I think. 

 

TurnedOffMom left the chat

 

MarriedAMannequin - Don’t bring him back, Allison.

StoleOurBirthCertificates - I wasn’t planning on it. 

 

StoleOurBirthCertificates closed the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst again! (And don't worry, I didn't forget about Allison's username - she'll get her own chapter pretty soon).  
> (I'm also starting a companion series with some of the non-chat events from each chapter, like Vanya & Beth's date).


	21. WELL...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luther asks a simple question and nearly gets a very complicated answer.

MoonBoi - Eliza and Vanya, how is orchestra going?

elizared - well…

vanya-violins - well…

\---

i-kissed-a-girl - guys, my brother wants to know how we’re doing

love_story - ^

Budapest - Tell him this stupid Grieg pieces is going to murder all the flutes before out first performance.

and_dance_with_me - we all dislike that piece, alex. stop whining.

SHUT_UP - idk babe i dont think its that bad

and_dance_with_me - fight me

SHUT_UP - will do <3

 

love_story - we asked for an answer, not pda

TrUmPeTs - i think we’re doing fine eliza

TrUmPeTs - (not like you get to talk about pda, anyways)

love_story - van and i aren’t that bad

TrUmPeTs - you’re not to all the happy taken people. us sad single gays,,, on the other hand…

love_story - you’re the only single gay in this chat

TrUmPeTs - and i have rights too!!!

love_story - *sigh*

i-kissed-a-girl - *sigh* (love you liza)

love_story - (love you too)

 

roaring-twenties - do i get a say in this?

and_dance_with_me - no

i-kissed-a-girl - of course, everett

roaring-twenties - i think we’re doing great! we’re going to ace our next performance.

 

i-kissed-a-girl - unless one of my siblings causes a scene

roaring-twenties - i’m sure they’d never do something like that, Vanya!

love_story - you’d be surprised

i-kissed-a-girl - if luther loses his temper…

love_story - or diego does…

i-kissed-a-girl - or a creepy fan approaches allison…

love_story - or klaus gets overwhelmed…

i-kissed-a-girl - or five gets bored

love_story - ben’s the only one who respects the music.

roaring-twenties - doesn’t Ben play the piano, though?

i-kissed-a-girl - exactly

 

love_story - what, everett, how did you know that?

roaring-twenties - my sister used to have a crush on ben

i-kissed-a-girl - he’ll be pleased to hear that

and_dance_with_me - i always like ben, tho i had a crush on diego

love_story - and i’m sure _he’ll_ be pleased to hear _that_

 

i-kissed-a-girl - we got sidetracked…

love_story - oh no it’s been like 20 minutes

\---

vanya-violins - it’s fine, luther

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chat contains all the first chairs from Vanya and Beth's orchestra, though you only meet a few this time around. All the usernames come from song titles. 
> 
> i-kissed-a-girl - "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry  
> love_story - "Love Story" by Taylor Swift  
> Budapest - "Budapest" by George Ezra  
> SHUT_UP & and_dance_with_me - "Shut Up and Dance With Me" by Walk The Moon  
> TrUmPeTs - "Trumpets" by Jason Derulo  
> roaring-twenties - "Roaring 20s" by Panic! At The Disco
> 
> Also, the Grieg piece is the Peer Gynt Suite because I hate it.


	22. 43, 21, 9, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five does calculations, Diego gets lucky, and Beth gets very, very unlucky...

Small_But_Mean - I did some… interesting calculations.

KL4US - NO ONE CARES 

Small_But_Mean - They’re about all of you.

KL4US - ….go on?

 

Small_But_Mean - I calculated everyone’s likelihood of causing the apocalypse, if it ever happens again.

vanya-violins - and i was the highest?

Small_But_Mean - Actually, you weren’t.

AlliAlli - Ok,,,, now we’re curious Five…. Continue!!!

 

Small_But_Mean - Everyone outside the academy combined have a 4% chance of causing it. Each individual has minutely tiny odds of themselves destroying the universe. 

BaTmAn - Understandable. Most powered people are dead

Small_But_Mean - You, Diego, have a 2% chance, the lowest in the family.

MoonBoi - How did you come up with that?

Small_But_Mean - Various means, including considering each person’s power level and temperament. 

 

Small_But_Mean - Luther was slightly more dangerous, at a 3%, with Allison coming in at twice his with 6%.

KL4US - weirdest sports stats ever…

AlliAlli - I’m twice as dangerous as Luther??????

Small_But_Mean - You warp time and space. Luther is strong.

 

Small_But_Mean - Unsurprisingly, the kind but powerful Ben comes in at 7%. 

B3N - That Sounds Big

Small_But_Mean - Just you wait, Ben. 

 

Small_But_Mean - Ah! I almost missed this, but an unknown individual has a 5% likelihood, higher than Diego’s or Luther’s.

vanya-violins - they must be dangerous

BaTmAn - Someone to look out for…

elizared - ^

 

Small_But_Mean - Continuing from before with Ben at 7% is myself, at just under 10% (9% specifically).

KL4US - trying to make urself sound tougher, fivey?

Small_But_Mean - Never, Klaus.

 

vanya-violins - then me, with the other 64%?

Small_But_Mean - It is in fact you, Vanya, but with only 21%. We appear to have neutralised most of your threat by helping you train your powers and become a part of the family.

AlliAlli - See???? You’’re not as dangerous anymore,,, vanya. 

 

B3N - What About Klaus?

KL4US - YEAH, what about me???

MoonBoi - Probably too small to mention

Small_But_Mean - Actually, Klaus holds the highest likelihood of being the cause in the event of an apocalypse, at the remaining 43%.

AlliAlli - What?????

vanya-violins - guess i’m not the only one who’s tougher than we thought

\---

BaTmAn - Eliza i have news

elizared - yes?

BaTmAn - I got her name

elizared - you finally got up the nerve to ask her?

BaTmAn - Nope

BaTmAn - She wrote in on a napkin when she gave me my drink

elizared - shame…. you still got the name tho

BaTmAn - Yep!!!!

elizared - does this mean you’re gonna move on?

BaTmAn - I think its been long enough yeah

 

BaTmAn - Are u actually gonna ask????

elizared - oh yeah what’s her name?

BaTmAn - Percy. Shes really funny as well as pretty too. And shes british

elizared - congrats…

\---

liza - we have a problem

goddess_of_death - oh shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmm,,,, what could this mean????
> 
> (Also, I like the idea of Klaus causing the apocalypse in another timeline, and this was the best way to work it into a notpocalypse fic)  
> (Also Also, I realised Five has no consistent texting style throughout this fic (and neither do the rest tbh) so sorry!)  
> (Also Also Also, I've been thinking of doing a Good Brother Five fic (probably a 6+1), and was wondering if y'all would be interested)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know any thoughts/advice/comments/criticism.
> 
> I should be updating this fic every Wednesday and Friday (not that I ever follow that schedule!)
> 
> \- The Slytherin


End file.
